


The 12 Pains of Dangan Christmas (AKA And Finding a Christmas Tree~!)

by PKirby



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: I CLAIM THIS PARKING SPACE IN THE NAME OF ATUA, Multi, NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING, all danganronpa characters live in a gigantic mansion, based off of a parody of a parody, bill-slasher, byakuya donates, celestia fumbles her lying, character tags are in order of appearance for the most part, chihiro nearly swears, hiyoko is hiyoko, ishimaru is "savage", leon has mood swings, nekomaru and kaede roast an x-mas special, peko is broke somehow, too early for christmas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 04:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16654387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PKirby/pseuds/PKirby
Summary: Welcome to complete and utter Christmas Hell! Krampus has nothing on this! Join some of your favorite(and maybe non-favorite) Dangan Ronpa characters in the ride of a lifetime as they prepare to celebrate Christmas! Junko would love the despair going around! Disclaimer: I don't own Dangan Ronpa or Spike Chunsoft.





	1. The Start of True Hell

     Ibuki Mioda had been sentenced to a very common headache-inducing task leading up to Christmas: finding a tree.  So far, she’d gone to every place she knew that sold Christmas trees, and still couldn’t find a single one. So, she went about it the old-fashioned way: hauling an axe to a evergreen forest and chopping down a tree.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu had to rig up the Christmas lights, and he was already having  difficulties. Apparently, whoever stuffed the lights in the trash bags didn’t know the meaning of _subtle_ , as the bulbs were obviously broken.  After taking a trip to a hardware store and threatening the shop owner over the Christmas lights he had rigged up inside the store, he was a very happy man.  Until, in the middle of decorating the roof, he got tangled up, tripped over another wire, and found himself hanging upside-down from a string of colorful lights.  Akane came out, a little drunk, noticed the Ultimate Yakuza, and started to repeatedly yell, “Baby Gangsta! Baby Gangsta! You stuck up?” Fuyuhiko grumbled. This was going to be a very long day.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Kazuichi Soda was surrounded by many bottles.  Many, _many_ , empty bottles.  He drank way too much the night before and consequently had to deal with a serious headache when he woke up.  Along with another thing...his stomach. “How is my kidney stone not dead yet?” He sat up, turned a shade of green, and immediately laid back down, clutching his stomach with one hand, and his head with the other.  “Where’s Mikan when you need her?”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Chihiro Fujisaki sat at the desk he had Mondo install(with some guidance of course).  He had already folded fifty-two pieces of paper, each one a different color. After giving each one a different motif that fitted the different Ultimates, he started drawing the cover words.   _This is so much work,_ Chihiro thought.   _Why can’t I just be drunk with Soda?_  He shrugged to himself, continuing with his work.   _I’m going to need all the coffee in the world._

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Toko Fukawa and Hajime Hinata sat at the dinette table, filing the bills of Christmas.  “Ugh! Why do I have to do this?”

     Hajime groaned.  “For the fifth time, we’re apparently the smartest out of everyone.  That means that we have to handle smart things.” A slight smirk appearing on his face, he added, “Byakuya said that you can handle it, but if you want to go write stories instead, I wouldn’t blame you--”

     Toko started filing bills like there was no tomorrow.  “CHARGE FOR MASTER!!”

     As fun as this was to watch, Hajime had a slight headache from dehydration and boredom.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Sonia Nevermind sighed as she prepared the dining table for her guests.  She wasn’t happy at all that they were coming over. That’s right, reader--she had to deal with her in-laws for Christmas.  Looking at...something, she said, “And I hate my mother in-law especially! She’s a witch, I hate her!”

     She kept it up--covering the table with a fancy cloth, putting plates in the right places, silverware, on and on.  Looking back at...something, she said, “I really hate--”

     'Um, we’re now over here.'

     “Oh...I really hate Christmas for this reason only.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     “Ishimaru?  What is someone like you doing collecting frostbite?”

     “Oh, I’m helping out with donations for Salvation Army.”  He shook his bell twice, than asked, “Would you like to donate anything?  Even a penny helps.”

     Byakuya scoffed.  “Like I would ever help peasants.”

     Ishimaru looked hurt.  “But--but--but--”

     “NEVER!”  The Ultimate Affluent Prodigy stalked off.

     “This may be a rude thing to say, but I hope he gets coal for Christmas.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Hiyoko Saionji and Peko Pekoyama found themselves in Toys”R”Us, buying toys for the others.  “Master will most certainly enjoy this,” she said, pointing at a stuffed cat. “And I’ll be able to pet it.”

     Hiyoko gave her “the look”.  “Who cares about your stupid master?  I want a Transformers!”

     “Hiyoko, you most certainly will not get it if you keep asking for it.”

     “But I want it!  I want it! I want it!  I need it--oh, hey what’s this?” she wondered aloud, pointing at a foreign candy all the way by the checkout lane.  Peko sighed. This was going to be an even longer day.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Mondo Owada grumpily sighed.  “Why. The Fuck. Are there no parking spaces?!!”  He had ridden his motorcycle around the lot three times and the parking garage five.  “Please, please, _please_ motorcycle gods!  Find me a parking space!”  A parking spot opened up immediately after his prayers.  “Praise the motorcycle gods!”

     Angie Yonaga pulled up into the empty space, got out, walked past the fuming Mondo, and corrected him.  “I think you mean ‘Praise Atua!’”

     He stood on the spot for three seconds before chasing after Angie on his motorcycle, screaming profanities his bro would not approve of.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Chiaki Nanami had just bought different gaming systems for her friends.  Several Wii Us, multiple Playstations, many XBOX One’s, and two Nintendo Switches: one for her, and one for Hajime.

     But when she checked all of the boxes to make sure it was wrapping-safe, she found three words any gamer despises.  “‘Batteries not included?!’ Are you--are you--are you--are you _kidding_ me right now!?  I have to go out and buy several 32-packs of AA batteries after spending somewhere close to twenty-thousand dollars?!!  OH, FUCK YOU TOO, NINTENDO!!”

     Flopping down defeatedly, she added, “Bastards.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Nekomaru Nidai sat in front of the TV, waiting for the commercial to come already.  “This is such a stale special. I mean come on, it has no plot, no exposition, it’s like it was written by four-year-olds!  But most of all,” he concluded, “it prevents you from taking a good shit!!”

     “Nekomaru, shut up!  I’m trying to do the bills!”

     “...GOOD SHIIIII--”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Leon Kuwata and Sayaka Maizono found themselves knocking on random strangers house, in the snow, and singing carols to them, _in the snow_ , and getting rejected 60% of the time, _in the fucking snow._

     “Sayaka, I’m freezing,” Leon whined.  “Can we go home now?”

     “Not until everyone on this street knows the power of my beautiful voice.”  She started singing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”, but her voice started cracking until it almost completely shut off.  She hoarsely whispered, “No. NO. Please no.”

     Leon smirked.  “Still want to carol in the snow?”  Sayaka stomped on his foot and kneed him in a place where the snow don’t fall.  “Ah! What the fuck, Sayaka?! I want to have children too, you know?”

     “I know you don’t.”

     “You know I don’t.”


	2. A Cold Hell : A Warm Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things went South to Heatmiser. Quickly.

     “Mmf...ungh...oogh...”  Ibuki made various grunting noises as she dragged the gigantic, heavy axe she had brought with her through the snow and dead grass.  “Where...is  **the** ... **perfect** ... **Christmas** ... **tree** ...at?” she asked no one in particular.  She kept walking through the forest. About fifteen feet away, a crunch of snow could be heard.  “Huh? Is someone there?”

     Another crunch followed, thirteen feet away this time.  “Hello?” She fearfully lifted up the axe. “Are you something that can help Ibuki find a tree?”   _ Crunch! _  “Please answer Ibuki!”   _ Crunch! _  “I have an axe, and I’m not afraid to use it!”   _ Crunch! _  She dropped the axe and high-tailed it out of there, screaming, “Ibuki isn’t edible!”

     After what felt like hours, but was really five minutes, she ran into a pine tree.  “OW. That’s leaving souvenirs! _Ugh_....Wait a minute...”  She looked up and gasped with excitedness.  She had ran into **_the_** **tree**.  “Yes...Yes!...YES!...”  She hugged it and turned around to start walking back to collect her axe, but the mysterious snow-cruncher stood in front of her.  He was very tall and muscular... _and he held her axe in his hands_.  “Eep!”  She got on her knees, hands together, and started begging for her life.  “Please, don’t kill Ibuki or chop me up and eat me! I-I’ll cause ‘Random-Song-Bursts Syndrome’!”  She cowered for her life...

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Fuyuhiko managed to untangle his foot and fall onto Akane, somehow knocking her out of her drunken state.  He got up and stumbled quite a lot, muttering, “The world isn’t spinning, the world isn’t spinning, the world isn’t spinning.”

     Akane got up and gave the Ultimate Yakuza a solid punch to the ribs, making him fall back to the ground, dizzier than before.  “Thanks for falling on me!”

     “S-sorry!   _ Ugh _ ...”  Fuyuhiko held his stomach, swallowing the vomit that tried to come up.  “I-I’m fine...!” He picked himself up and started tossing any remains of lunch he had.  “Blrghghghghghgh!” He fell backwards(luckily) and fainted.

     Akane looked down at him.  “... _ Shiiiiiit _ ...”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Souda managed to crawl his way to the toilet before throwing up.  Afterwards, he started screaming for Mikan, and when she finally arrived, he said, “Oh, jeez, look at this.”

     “U-uh, e-excuse my asking, b-but how much  _ d-did _ you d-drink l-last night?”

     “Uhh...only--blrghghgh--around five bottles...and three mugs...and two glasses...and a shot...”  He resumed vomiting.

     “Th-that’s not g-good.”  Kazuichi found himself in his bed with a pail next to him.  His life could not be any worse.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Chihiro had bags under his eyes.  He had been at this for seven hours straight and had finished all of his class and Hajime’s class’s cards, and was now working on Shuichi’s class’s cards.  “Oh! I don’t even know half these people! But nonetheless,  **everyone deserves a Christmas card** .”  He continued to decorate the cards.  He colored them, put glitter on them, and made them the most beautiful thing ever.

     And then spilled coffee on them.  He got up, got into his car, drove to the nearby river, and took a dive while yelling a long, drawn-out profanity.  Neighbors’ reports tell that they heard someone scream, “FUUUUUUUU--” before being interrupted by their body hitting the river.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Hajime screamed in agony.  “You did WHAT?!”

     Genocider Syo smiled and crossed her arms.  “I killed the bills, Mickey!”

     “I’m not Mickey!”

     “But you’re just as bland!”  This statement was followed by a fit of annoying laughter.  Hajime picked up a roll of Gorilla Tape and stretched it out threateningly.  “Wait, what’re you doing with that tape?” He moved towards her, and for the first time in her existence, Syo experienced fear.  “No! Stay away, you pervert! No! NOOOOO!”

     A few minutes later, Hajime and Genocider Syo resumed working on the remaining bills.  The killer had a strip of tape wrapped around her head multiple times in such a way that it covered her mouth.  “This is so much fun! Right, Syo?”

     “Phhm yhhm.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

_      DING DONG! _  Sonia ran to the door.  “Coming!...You disgusting son of a--MOM!!”  She had opened the door and was now giving her step-mom a tight hug.  She was receiving one as well. It was the waiting game to see who’d back out of it first.

     They started moving towards the dining table, and at arrival, finally stopped that madness.  Sonia smiled; she had won the game of wills, after all.

     They sat down and started eating when Chihiro burst through the door, sopping wet.  He walked into the dining room, grabbed a turkey leg, said, “Don’t ask,” , and walked off.

     “Oh, my, Sonia!!  These are the people you’re surrounding--”

     Celestia walked in.  “Sorry I’m late! But a girl must look her best for her guest!”  She gave that shit-eating smile everyone knew her for.

     “Who’s she?”

     Sonia stood up with a fake smile and introduced her, “Mother, this is Celestia Ludenberg.   **_We_ ** call her Celeste.”  ‘ _ Which means that you can’t because you are not one of us.’ _  She continued, “She has an uncontrollable gambling addiction and the best luck of the draw.”

     Celeste looked at her, frowning, but put her smile back on nonetheless.  “Thanks for the compliment!”

     “Welcome!”

     “Mmm...”  The step-mother looked between the two of them.  “How do you know this ornate women?”

     “Oh, uh...”  ‘ _ Shit, how do I say this?  I mean, we don’t hang out a lot, but it’s not like we’re complete strangers...Aha!  We’re-- _ ’

     “We’re dating.”

     Sonia gave her a look of pure terror.  ‘ _ What’d she just say?  ‘Cause saying that you’re gay around my mother... _ eugh _. _ ’  Nevertheless, she went with it.  “Yeah! We’re, um, dating.” She gave Celeste a quick peck on the cheek to prove it.

     “Uh-huh...”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Byakuya visited a fancy ornate restaurant for lunch because Teruteru’s meals had only 3 stars.  After leaving, he noticed Ishimaru at the Walmart across the street.

     “Wh-what?  But I was just at-- _ mmh _ .”  While getting into his limo, he shouted at Ishimaru, “I refuse to donate!  REFUSE!” The limo drove off.

     “Okay...”

     Byakuya arrived at the Hallmark Store to buy a card for Toko.  Not because he liked her or anything, he just wanted to be nice for once.  Ishimaru stood at the entrance, ringing that damn bell! Punching him, he said, “Get a job, you bum.”

     Everywhere he went, he encountered the Ultimate Moral Compass until...

     “Fine.  Fine! I’ll donate!  Just stop haunting me!”  He put $500 dollars into the bin and ran off, sobbing with insanity.

     “Damn,” Ishimaru commented.  “He has serious problems.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     “Peko, buy me some candy!”

     The swordswoman sighed after putting all the goods on the counter and buying them.  “Alright. What kind?”

     “Gummy candy!”

     “Okay, let me see...”  She grabbed a pack of gummy bears and handed the checkout clerk her credit card.

     “Uh, ma’am, this credit card is out of credit.”

     “What?”

     “I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut you off.”  She took out a pair of scissors and snipped the card in half.

     Peko smiled dangerously.  “What?”

     “But I want some candy!”  Hiyoko fell to the ground and started screaming and crying and banging the ground.  Nearby shoppers turned their heads to watch the spectacle. Peko stood there with her head in her hands.  “Fuuuuuck...”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Mondo picked up Angie by her neck.  “Yes! I finally got you, bitch! Now you’re going to pay!”  He drove up to her car, parked his motorcycle, tied her to her car, and managed to push it down the ramp into traffic.  “That’s what you get! That’s what you get! That’s what you fucking get!” As horns honked at the uncontrolled car, he sighed.  “I’m going to fall for the guilt trip, aren’t I?” He sighed again and got onto his motorcycle and drove after the car.

     “Angie!  Use some of that Atua power or whatever!” he called to her.

     “Atua says your ignorance is going to get you killed!”

     “What makes him say that--”   _ CRASH! _

     “Mondo!!”  Angie managed to call 911.  “This is Atua’s chosen one! We have an accident at the Mall of Hope.  Oh? Yes, I will hold--never mind, Atua told me he hates holding.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     Chiaki found herself at Walmart buying several packs of AA batteries.  Unfortunately, she had run into a little problem. “YOU’RE OUT OF BATTERIES!?!”

     “M-ma’am, calm down--”

     “CALM DOWN?!  I JUST SPENT TWENTY-THOUSAND BUCKS ON MY FRIENDS FOR CHRISTMAS ON STUFF THAT DIDN’T COME WITH BATTERIES, AND YOU’RE TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN?!”

     “Ma’am, you scaring away th-the customers!”

     “GOOD!!  THEY DESERVE TO KNOW THAT YOU FAIL AT EVERYTHING A STORE’S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT!!”  She stomped out of the store, into her car, and just slammed her head onto the horn again and again.  “Fuck my life.”

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     “Such a stale TV special!” Nekomaru screamed.  “But there’s nothing else on so...” In the Christmas special, the character had just fallen off a cliff and was now sliding down it on their sled.  “Oho! Maybe I spoke too soon!...And never mind, he’s fine.”

     Kaede walked in.  “Hey, Nekomaru, whatcha doing--oh, not this again!”

     “What?  You’ve watched this before as well?”

     “Yep,” she answered, “and it’s complete and utter bullshit.”  Pointing at the screen, she continued, “I mean, look at this! His arms aren’t even level with each other, and as far as I know, he was born without any birth defects and has no injury so far!  His hair looks like it got ripped from the Mii Channel!”

     “What’s really bad, though, is this voice acting!” Nekomaru laughed.  “It sounds like they pulled random people who were on the street and asked them to recite the lines.  The main character sounds like he has several voice actors!” The team manager and the pianist spent the rest of the special insulting the aforementioned special to no end.

~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~I•I•I~

     “Sayaka, are we home yet?” Leon impatiently asked.

     “No, but we’ll be there in a little bit.”  Coming to an intersection, they stopped and looked both ways.  “It’s--ah, this way,” she decided, turning right.

     Five minutes later, Leon once again asked, “Are we home yet?”

     “Almost.  Just two more lefts and we’ll be on the homestretch.”

     After the two more lefts, and a slip on some ice, the Ultimate Baseball Star gave her a skeptical look.  “You don’t know where we’re going, do you?”

     “....Um...no...?”

     He grabbed Sayaka by the shoulders and shook her violently.  “What do you mean by ‘....Um...no...?’ We could be stuck out here until we freeze to death!”

     “Well, at least we’re not burning to death!  That would just suck...”

     “That doesn’t matter!” he yelled.  “We’re never going to make it back in time for Christmas!  And worst of all: I won’t get a chick in my life!” He almost started crying, and would have done so if Sayaka was not with him.  She looked like she was going to sob herself. “You know what? If it’s the last thing we do, we are going to find the way back! We are not going to let this despair swallow us up, or whatever!”  Taking her hand and running, he let the world know, “We shall not cave in, lest death do us in!” And with that, they ran through the neighborhood towards the oncoming blizzard. “Bring it on!”


End file.
